Ranger magazine

Shane Allison

God is a Bulletproof Bra

God is a paramedic ambulance

God is dizzy skin

God is a surgical toilet seat

God is an influenza orchid

God is a beeper in a ceramic bowl

God is an immunized cough drop

God is Zorro eating cat chow

God is a platinum contact lense

God is an allergic trinket

God is a mad cow mad hatter

God is a blind tape

God is a vertical video

God is a hi-tech detective

God is a New York soda can

God is a narcotic cop pusher

God is a money back white strip

God is a flaky yeast infection

God is crunchy hair

God is a horizontal hood rat

God is a centerpiece of flowered panties

God is a bullet proof bra

God is a superintendent's daughter

God is a mirror of smoke

God is a freezer pin

God is a snot-nosed bricket

God is a vertibre elixir

God is a slasher of tomato puppets

God is an apple tart Cheeto

God is David Dachovny in hosiery

God is a ghecko in frozen chili

God is a cutthroat college student

God is a wedding planner teaparty

God is a killer whale roller coaster

God is a pregnancy test wrapped in a brown rug

God is a surf board sail boat

God is a dolphin salt shaker

God is a banocular sheep dog

God is a blue fish shark tower

God is a pus bucket mobster

God is a handcuffed goat in green water

God is a dilatante scum scraper

God is an ordained premadonna

God is a sicilian in a sundress

God is a matzah ball on a tuxedo

God is a torched dart board

God is a chicken shit brick layer

God is a bestselling hand me down

God is a Natzi nigger

God is a lemon cake puff

God is a rolex butterfly

God is a guinea rattle

God is a squirrel pig

God is a cactus fern

God is a ketchup bandana

God is a belly button seat belt

God is shrimp beef

God is a Mongolian cashew nut

God is a red hot lung

God is a pumpernickel box cutter

God is a teal g-string

High School Epithalamion

Roivernon Adams proposes to Travis Asbell

Travis Asbell proposes to Scott Barber

Scott Barber proposes to Michael Brack

Michael Brack proposes to Ryan Bruce

Ryan Bruce proposes to John Brice

John Brice is marrying Lee Conner

Lee Conner is marrying Aaron Carroll

Aaron Carroll is marrying Jason Casseaux

Jason Casseaux just married David Chaffin

David Chaffin just married Michael Chapple

Michael Chapple just married Carlton Crawford

Carlton Crawford proposed to Joshua Cummings

But Joshua Cummings married Fred Davis

Fred Davis proposed to Shawn Davis

But Shawn Davis married Xavier Dempsy

Xavier Dempsy proposed to Dwayne Estelle

But Dwayne Estelle married James Fuse

James Fuse was engaged to Chris Gayre

Chris Garye was engaged to Shay Gibson

Shay Gibson was engaged to Darren Gibson

Darren Gibson was engaged to Shawn Gregg

Shawn Gregg eloped with Brian Gurr

Brian Gurr eloped with Michael Hardy

Michael Hardy ran away with Grady Harper

Grady Harper ran away with Michael Harris

Michael Harris ran away with Moise Harris

Moise Harris was married to Andy Harrison

Andy Harrison was married to Eric Hatcher

Eric Hatcher was married to Richard Herring

Richard Herring said yes to Brandon Houston

Brandon Houston said yes to David Hove

David Hove said yes to Danny James

Danny James said yes to Rashaan Jones

Rashaan Jones proposed to Travis Jones

Travis Jones proposed to Scott Joyner

Scott Joyner proposed to Chad Keen

Chad Keen proposed to John Keillor

John Keillor eloped with Brian Kelly

Brian Kelly eloped with Clint Kinsey

Clint Kinsey eloped with Brent LaBounty

Brent LaBounty ran away with Richard Langly

Richard Langly ran away with Dwayne Lawrence

Dwayne Lawrence ran away with Abe Lerner

Abe Lerner used to be married to Richard Lollie

Richard Lollie used to be married to Thomas Migut

Thomas Migut used to be married to Brian Miller

Brian Miller used to be married to Ed Mock

Ed Mock used to be married to David Moore

David Moore used to be married to Fred Nichols

Fred Nichols is engaged to Shawn O’shields

Shawn O’shields is engaged to Willie Parker

Willie Parker is engaged to Bryan Reed

Bryan Reed ran off with Cleveland Richardson

Cleveland Richardson ran off with Jason Rowland

Jason Rowland ran off with Andy Salley

Andy Salley ran off with David Simmons

David Simmons just married Myron Steen

Myron Steen just married Alvin Tabanguil

Alvin Tabanguil just married Ed Thompson

Ed Thompson proposed to Samuel Towels

Samuel Towels proposed to Anthony Whitehead

Anthony Whitehead proposed to Leroy Williams

Leroy Williams proposed to Titus Williams

But Titus Williams married Russell Wilson

‍ Poem for Charles Bernstein

Charles Bernstein understands the human heart

I wish Charles Bernstein ruled the world

Because of Charles Bernstein, I stay off the wrong side of the tracks

Charles Bernstein reminds me of Benny Hill

I touch the whiskers on Charles Bernstein's cat

Charles Bernstein says I could sleep in the basement

I dream I could be a great teacher like none other than Charles Bernstein

I cry because Charles Bernstein cries, too

I touch myself when thinking of Charles Bernstein wandering around inside me

I hear Charles Bernstein's motor bike rumbling down Martin Luther King Boulevard

I hear Charles Bernstein reading poetry at some crummy dive on the lower east side

Charles Bernstein is surrounded by flowers

I touch my lips when I see Charles Bernstein on stage

I taste the medicine Charles Bernstein gives me for my bronchitis

I imagine Charles Bernstein writing in my dreams

I am the man of the house when Charles Bernstein is gone

Charles Bernstein brainwashed me into believing that I'm a platypus

I smell Charles Bernstein's freshly baked cherry pies

I wish Charles Bernstein would stop cheating off my math test

My mother is having Charles Bernstein over for dinner

I say that Charles Bernstein can read my thoughts

Without Charles Bernstein, things are sour and bitter

I hear Charles Bernstein still and silent

Wish I could speak a little more like Charles Bernstein

I see and remember Charles Bernstein

I know I am the illegitimate son of Charles Bernstein

Because of Charles Bernstein, I am a potter

I imagine Charles Bernstein standing on snow-capped mountains

I don't want to think about what my life would be like without Charles Bernstein

You say you never stopped loving me, I say there is someone else, and his name is Charles Bernstein

I don't love you the same way I love Charles Bernstein

Why do I wonder so about Charles Bernstein

I feel this wall separating me and Charles Bernstein

I try to overcome my fear of loneliness, but without

The almighty words of Charles Bernstein, it's near

Impossible I enjoy small talk and big lies shared by Charles Bernstein

Don't you love this mink coat Charles Bernstein bought me

I wish I was a Buffalo, New Yorker like Charles Bernstein

I say things no one else understands except Charles Bernstein

Imagine Charles Bernstein wearing a pink bunny suit

I hope Charles Bernstein will come to my house and play Yahtzee with me

I see Charles Bernstein in the fog of Manhattan

I wonder if Charles Bernstein knows if I will ever get married

I see Charles Bernstein looking back at me in the mirror

Charles Bernstein invited me to stay the week at his condo in Aspen

Pork

Pork steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless chicken breast steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless chicken breast boneless chuck tender steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless chicken breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless chicken breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless chicken breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast beef for stew steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast beef for stew lunchmeat steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast beef for stew lunchmeat sliced bacon steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast beef for stew lunchmeat sliced bacon sausage steak sandwich

Pork boneless shoulder roast butt pork roast skinless breast boneless chuck tender smoked pork chop portion ham beef patty turkey breast beef for stew lunchmeat sliced bacon sausage pepperoni steak sandwich

Seeing Stars

Rupert Everett

Was walking his dog not far from

Where I sucked cock last Saturday night.

Although he was pale & skinny, I found him cute

In the Cemetery Man.

Daniel Day Lewis with his skinned head

& Baby blue shirt, looked mean on the streets

Of Soho.

Where is the actor I fell in love with from My Left Foot?

Where is My Beautiful Launderette?

Dark blue makes Skip Sudduth look fat.

His part was so small in Flawless

My friend Matt, and his fiancée Alana,

Knows where Phillip Seymour Hoffman lives.

Says he likes to talk to the good people

Of Manhattan while he sits on the steps

Of his apartment.

Wish I could have seen more of him in Happiness.

Matt says he sees Liv Tyler all the time.

I’ve only seen her on magazine covers,

Entertainment Tonight.

She got them lips like her rock star daddy.

I saw Peter Gallagher browsing in Virgin records

In Time Square. Guess he didn’t think anyone would notice

Him after being out of the spotlight for so long.

I like him better in person.

That mouth, those eyebrows.

What was it like to work with Andie Mc Dowell,

To fuck Laura SanGiancomo in Sex, Lies & Videotape?

The cameras never show their star-studded penises,

That glamour pussy.

Last week, Michael Keaton walked right past me.

He looked lost. He was hiding behind his cell phone,

Oblivious to starving artists like myself.

Remember him in Mr. Mom with Teri Garr?

He turned Henry Winkler’s life upside down in Night Shift.

He was Shelly Long’s pimp.

Seeing David Spade on 11th made me think of Chris Farley.

Chris Farley makes me think if Brian Dennehey.

Brian Dennehey makes me think of Rambo.

Rambo makes me think of Sylvester Stallone in the remake of Get Carter.

My old roommate saw the back of Susan Sarandon’s

Head from the window of his professor’s office.

I didn’t know she lived in New York.

Loved her in Lorenzo’s Oil, but I don’t think I would

Have driven off the Grand Canyon with her crazy ass.

They were right to get Gina Davis for something like that.

Remember her in that movie, Angela?

Gina Gershon.

Gina Gershon makes my hands sweat.

My heart is a monarch butterfly.

Jennifer Hurley exit Hugh Grant.

Hugh Grant makes me think of fishnet stockings

Stained with chicken grease.

Chicken grease-stained fishnets make me think

Of Roseanne.

Hugh reminds me of my friend, Todd in Tallahassee.

I’m thinking of Tom Sizemore.

Jennifer Tilly & Gina Gershon in Bound.

Gershon is a Butchy plumber.

Tilly is a Femmy girl.

Femmy Tillie?

Aunt Tillie?

Aunt Tillie is not a Femmy dyke or a Butchy plumber.

Jennifer Tilly, whose sister is Meg Tilly who starred in

Masquerade with Rob Lowe & Doug Savant of Melrose Place fame.

Jennifer was in the remake of The Getaway with Alec Baldwin.

Steve McQueen in the original feature.

What ever happened to Hal Holbrook?

Hal Holbrook married to Dixie Carter from Family Law, Designing Women.

Kim Basinger & underrated actor, Michael Madsen.

Jennifer Tilly played a Lipstick Lesbian in Bound.

Not my Aunt Tillie.

Alec Baldwin.

Steve Mc Queen.

The Getaway makes me think of a honey-roasted ham.

Alec has three more brothers in the business.

Ham makes me think of Daniel Baldwin. Becuz he’s big,

He’s known as the ham of the three.

Alec lives in Long Island. Not Manhattan.

Kim Basinger was more than a Bond Girl for 9 and a half weeks.

Michael Madsen cut that guy’s ear off in Reservoir Dogs.

William Baldwin is a womanizer in Flatliners

Starring Julia Roberts,

Keifer Sutherland,

Kevin Bacon & Oliver Platt.

Oliver Stone?

Oliver Platt last seen in Lake Placid with Bridgett Fonda.

I loved her daddy, Peter, in Ulee’s Gold.

Forgot Billy Baldwin from the critically acclaimed film,

Threesome with Lara Flynn Boyle.

Billy stays out of the spotlight for a healthy, normal life.

Unlike Julia Roberts.

I like her brother, Eric, better.

Benjamin Bratt left Law and Order to do Penero.

BENJAMIN BRATT FOREVER!

Alec Baldwin makes me think of Madeleine Stowe.

Madeleine Stowe makes me think of Kevin Costner.

Costner makes me think of… William Shatner?

Ed Harris.

Ed Harris makes me think of Timothy Dutton

Who never gets any older.

Timothy Dutton makes me think of Pineapple Upside Down Cake

& Faye Dunaway who makes me think of Clint Eastwood,

Who makes me think of Beef Jerky.

Clint Eastwood makes me think of skin off Baked Chicken.

The skin be the good part.

Can’t stop thinking about Kevin Spacey. Must… resist

Halle Berry at a Fish Fry & Car Wash.

Angela Bassett’s Georgia peaches.

Dana Delaney.

Willem Defoe?

Willem Defoe in Lightsleeper with Dana Delaney.

Kim Delaney is her little sister from NYPD Blue.

Kim Delaney makes me think of Jeff Fahey.

They were in that movie, Body Parts together, remember?

Loved it when he yelled, I want this fucking arm off!

The Delaney Sisters. Insane in the Delaney Brain.

The Sweeney Sisters. Jan Hooks! Nora Dunn!

Nora Dunn quits Saturday Night Live after Andrew Dice Clay

Is chosen to host.

Dana Delaney from China Beach from the same network.

Loved the theme song from that series.

Riki Lake was a nurse on the show.

Riki Lake is… Riki Lake in the Riki Lake Show

Starring Riki Lake.

Mrs. Lake in John Water’s, Hairspray.

Riki Lake’s big top hair.

Riki Lake reminds me of China Phillips.

China Phillips in the Wilson Phillips show

With a guest appearance by Carnie Wilson

Who is married to William Baldwin of the Baldwin’s.

Riki Lake is doing The Roach in a studio audience.

Mrs. Lake is doing The Roach in that big, pink dress

Brought to you by Mr. Hefty from Hefty’s Hideaway.

John Waters make me think of David Caruso or David Carridine.

David Cronenberg?

Loved his movie, Crash.

Devine played Riki’s mama in Hairspray, Remember?

Devine was fine.

Fine Devine.

John be demented. John’s demented self, made Devine eat shit

In Pink Flamingoes. I still ain’t seen that movie.

Cecil B. Demented was lame.

It’s Melanie Griffith’s fault.

That child can’t act.

She’s a female Kevin Costner.

They’re from the acting school of wooden performances.

Check her drunken ass into the Betty Ford clinic.

JOEY FATONE FOREVER!

Melanie makes me think of Huey Lewis.

What’s new Huey Lewis? Huey Lewis in the news.

Huey Lewey news.

Huey Newton?
Fig Newton’s? Huey Newton’s Fig Newtons.

Fig Newton’s remind me of Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler & Emily Watson.

Adam & Steve?

Adam & Steve makes me think of Jeff Daniels.

Jeff Daniels makes me think of Popcorn chicken

This makes me think about my roommate’s lasagna.

His smile is worth millions.

His laughs are multi-platinum.

He reminds me of an actor I know.

Contents